ever wonder what it'd be like if we lived in a completely politically and grammatically correct world? have you ever wondered what terrible ramifications this innocuously proper, anal-retentive, stictly by-the-book outlook would have on something as raucously improper as ROCK 'N ROLL? (or should i say "rock AND roll"? that colloquial conjunction "'n" is a grammatical no-no.)
no, you say? you haven't thought about it at all? ah, you're too busy working a full-time job, gettin your degree, or raising a couple kids. i see. well, for those of us with way too much free time on our hands, here's what rock 'n roll turned PC might look like.
let's start with the ROLLING STONES and their hit (formerly) known as "(i can't get no) satisfaction."
dun dun da nana nana nanana...
I am unable to acquire satisfaction.
I am unable to acquire satisfaction.
Though, on several occasions, I have attempted to acquire said satisfaction. A sentiment I feel must be reiterated several times.
satisfied? i thought not.
next up is NINE INCH NAILS' hit "closer.
forget that offensive, misogynist refrain "i wanna fuck you like an animal." i'll tweek it just a bit to make it nice and PC. ok, trent, let's try that one again.
Take 2:
"i...
...would like to take you out to a nice candle-lit dinner at an upscale French restaurant and get to know you a little better over a glass or two of a moderately-priced wine and then, afterwards, possibly see a movie with you--something tasteful, a romantic-comedy perhaps--and, if it's all right with you, maybe I could walk you home after and, if you feel comfortable, you could invite me up to your chic studio apartment for a cup of coffee that's not really a cup of coffee, if you know what I mean, and then we could make sweet love while I tell you what a strong independent career-driven person you are and how much I respect you..."
not as pithy, but at least no one feels objectified or offended.
alright, how about RAM JAM and their oldy-but-goody "black betty"?
African-American Betty (bam a lam)
Oh, African-American Betty (bam a lam)
African-American Betty had a child (bam a lam)
The darn youngster has, of late, become a bit hyperactive, no doubt due to his/her being recently diagnosed with ADD, a condition, which, with the proper medication, can be managed (bam a lam)
...bam a lame.
i guess i should touch on hip-hop as well. i wouldn't want to leave anyone out, lest they be offended.
how about Ol' Dirty Bastard. that name has got to go. it's not only grammatically unsound, but also politically incorrect. here's a PG-rated alternative:
Elderly Hygenically-Challenged Child of Unwed Parents
that's all i got for now.
